Ruminations Answered - Ditching a Friend

Answered on Quora

How do I get rid of a friend without offending him?

One could argue that having the desire and intention to rid yourself of another person's association would, by definition, suggest that said person was no longer considered one's friend. 

If this is the case, then what friendship existed would bear no longer true once the relationship is functionally terminated. 

Personally, I would be more offended if a person who excluded me from their life continued to refer to me as their "friend", as that would, in my view, be similarly self-serving, adding insult to whatever perceived injury I felt from the rejection.

Therefore, if you conclude that this no longer amounts to someone you characterize as a friend, then it is probably least offensive to state your intention of ending the relationship directly and with courtesy. This means that you do not attempt to justify your decision by stating what you have decided is wrong with them. It is possible that your perception of them is incorrect. Instead, if you must justify your decision, speak only to your own failings to successfully manage the relationship with them. 

Because, ultimately, this is true: those things you described as the reasons for terminating the relationship are deal breakers as far as having a friendship with you are concerned. They are not universally considered that way. 

There are people who manage these same behaviors during the course of a friendship. So, you can safely bear responsibility for your decision without blaming the other person. 

I imagine the affect of being told they are no longer included in your life will be confusing and painful enough to cause some critical introspection and doubt on their own initiative. 

So, be conservative while expressing your opinions of their character, lavish with your acknowledgment of any benefits you have enjoyed from having known them and be done with it.

If, however, upon further reflection, you actually do consider this person a friend and never intended that this would change as a result of what you are feeling about their perceived transgressions, then, you need to reconsider your decision altogether. 

Perhaps you believe that friendships are valuable enough to preserve through some amount of effort. If so, you might think about what amount and type of effort you are willing and able to exert. 

Once you have an idea what this looks like, then you arrange to have a heartfelt discussion with your friend explaining to them how much you value the relationship and why you are concerned that you may not have what it takes to successfully manage the things you experience being their friend. 

Ask them for their help. Be genuine. Be sincere. Be humble. Offer them an idea of what you are able to contribute to this effort to sustain this relationship you value. 

If they argue or take offense, that is not too surprising. Take a time out while they process their emotions. It should only require no more than a few hours, at most. Then, get back to solving the problem.

So, I suppose, the first order of business is determining your definition of "friend" and acting accordingly, if this person falls in or out of that meaning you have ascribed to friendship. 

While you are doing this, you might as well take a look at where you fall within that same meaning. Would you want to be your own friend?